Be careful what you sign up to
It serves me right for not reading the brochure for the 'holiday of a lifetime' properly. You see I've always been a slow reader, I would have been diagnosed with dyslexia but it didn't exist when I was at school, or if it did my headmaster wasn't having anything to do with that cockypop or should that be poppycock.
Besides, my career had been in graphic design, so I could tell you the name and size of font used in the brochure, and the colour mix used on the cover but the four columns of small print, I have to admit, I did not take it in.
I mean, I read the headlines. Ayurveda Retreat in Sri Lanka. Five star villa. Tick. Your own private chef. Yes please. Yoga alongside your private pool. Now you're talking. Five days of spa treatments included. Where do I sign.
We had had some experience of tuktuks before. Loud engines, smell of fumes and a hard, bouncy ride. Today we were picked up by a tuktuk from Bentota and we knew we were going to a classy establishment, because of the quality of tuktuk. Upholstered seats, elaborate chrome work and an engine quiet enough you could actually talk to each other.
We arrived at the villa, in beautiful tropical gardens, but only given five minutes to dump our bags as we were to start our treatments immediately.
Firstly a consultation with a Doctor. There are three types of person in the ayurveda world and most people have a bit of all three but a bias to one. I'm mostly Vata, with a touch of Pitta and hardly any Kapha. Soph is the opposite mostly Kapha, a little Pitta and hardly any Vata. So together we balance each other out perfectly.
Kapha people care too much and take on too much whilst Vata people think too much, I've been thinking too much about writing this blog all day.
We were then lead to two small treatments rooms, a suitable name as for the next three hours we were treated to a thorough pampering. Head, face, body massages, steam inhalation and even a hot oil dripped on our foreheads.
So far so good. Then came a the first bit of the small print I had missed. The oil needs to penetrate your head to really get the benefit. They served us a cup of ginger tea. 'I'll just drink this while the oil soaks in'. Wrong.
"We need to wrap your head in a scarf".
"But I'll look like Hilda Hogden. I know, you wouldn't have a clue who she was but believe me it's not a flattering look. And how long do I need to keep this on?"
"Three days sir."
"What! Three days of oily hair wrapped up like a packet of greasy chips."
"Yes sir. To get the benefit."
Later that evening we asked what time we'd like dinner. 7pm. I selected my least crumpled shirt from my suitcase and we took our place in the otherwise empty restaurant.
A thermos of warm water arrived at the table and promptly poured like it was a 1985 claret.
"Can we see the menu please." I asked.
"Sorry sir. There is no menu. Your personal chef will prepare all your special ayurdeva meals just for you."
That sounded terrific until two bowls of beetroot soup arrived. Followed by a large salad bowl (with no croutons!) And for pudding, water melon, papaya and mango. Six very small and very carefully cut pieces of each. And that was it. No pizza. No chocolate fudge brownie.
If only I had read the brochure.
Oh and the water. Now on a regular basis I do make sure I keep my fluids up and every evening I'll pour myself a pint of fresh elixir from the tap. Here they are wanting us to line up five pints. Each. And preferably hot. The waiter is on our case topping up our glasses at every opportunity.
Now I'm sloshing as I walk. Never mind walking, half the time I'm having to run. Run to the toilet. Every five minutes!
We have booked and paid for five days of this and that was a special arrangement, they prefer you to book for two weeks, or three even.
Just imagine three weeks of looking like Mrs mop, sloshing like a hot water bottle and eating like a Buddhist monk.
Yesterday's massage I had to call a halt mid pummelling because I needed to pee. And that nearly ended in disaster as I run across the polished concrete floor after my masseuse had just oiled the soles of my feet. I slid past the toilet and straight in to a lady serving tea. Herbal of course.
Only two days in and we couldn't take it any more. We snuck out to walk a mile to a corner shack that sold brushes, brooms and mops ...and cream crackers. "We'll have a packet of those please. Keep the change". We ran back to our villa with them hidden under my t-shirt. Wow, dry cream crackers never tasted so good.
Another point I missed. I had read the headline Yoga Sessions and thought great I've always loved the thought of yoga but just not quite got around to it yet. What I hadn't taken in was - 6am start. Who gets up at 6 A M on a holiday! We were 2 minutes late this morning and the personal service offered included the yoga instructor knocking on our door to make sure we didn’t miss the session. Very kind of him.
My insides have been thoroughly flushed out. My outside soaked in oil and kneaded like dough. I've stretched things I didn't know could be stretched and reached a zen like state meditating to the sounds of birds in coconut trees. However next time we book a trip remind me to read the brochure.